"I'm not ready"

Three words that stung my heart and tears started to stroll down my cheeks.

A ceremony that needs planning and contribution from two parties and an occasion that requires commitment from both sides. However, it's always the problem where the male thinks that it can only happen when they are financially secured (and that is achieved when they have a good career. But how do men define "good"? when they are a manager? when they own a company?), owns a property and is "ready". Am not too sure what "ready" means as well, and whatever explanation given to explain to me didn't serve the purpose of explaning. I still do not understand AND the fact that he's "not prepared" disturbs me like hell.

I hate it when people ask "when is the occasion" or "it will be soon, right?"

For heaven's sake, WHY ask me when the person that should start the ball rolling should usually be of the male gender, isn't it not?

I am not saying that I'm so bloody eager for the ceremony, but I always thought that that is just the next 'process'.. i mean, doesn't it normally flow like that? a very usual flowchart (at least the flowchart in my mind) would eventually lead to the next most possible event of having THAT occasion, BUT apparently, before this "next most possible event" takes place, many important factors have to be considered in between.

Well, call me shallow, call me naive, call me whatever u want! But I still dont understand or see how these factors could influence/change the flowchart! :P

Then again, (i think i sound very pissed in this entry, but i'm actually not!), if he's not ready, i will NOT push him into it as i think both parties have to mutually agree to plan for the occasion should we want it to be successful, not to mention happy and memorable.

Sometimes, I somehow think that I have unintentionally forced him into staying legally with me. Our status as a legal couple would mean alot should we look at it from the legal point of view. However, from the chinese custom's eye, or for that matter, from the eye of any elderly chinese, it means "NOTHING".. literally nothing!

Well, can i blame it on my biological clock when i want to take a new step in my life? can i? there isn't any peer pressure, nor family pressure. Then y the heck do I want to take this futher step in the flowchart???? I myself am blurred and am at lost! Mayb I should start doing some reading or soul-searching to understand the mindset of a 25-year old lady :P

*irritated* Of all things, I've never imagined that I would be so disturbed by an issue like this! Can someone explain to me why am I so emotionally hurt or disturbed? It upsets me when I cannot understand my own behavior. I usually understand my emotions (though sometimes it explodes first, and after cooling down, i regret n apologize) and would acknowledge the root of my emotions. But for this instance, I'm still very blurr and it's VERY irritating! I cant seem to get the isue of my mind and I dont know how to handle situations like this!

help...