Regrets of a mom

~ incident of the falling christmas tree

So it was beginning of the year.. a busy weekend where I was running chores around the house. Kids were playing and running around as usual, with food in the hand.

I casually told them not to chase each other but being themselves, they just said ok and continued playing.

Moments later, BOOM! The Christmas Tree fell down as they were chasing each other to the corner of the house and accidentally knocked the tree.

Oh gosh..the anger that overwhelmed me. I stormed up, put on my super angry mom face and yelled at them to stand right there and stop it!

Asked who did it and Anne said it was Jyn. Jyn stepped 1 step to the front and said "I am sorry Mommy".

I was soooo upset and yelled "I TOLD BOTH OF YOU NOT TO RUN! SEE WHAT HAPPENED! WHICH PART OF MY INSTRUCTION YOU DIDNT UNDERSTAND?!"

Jyn started crying and wanted to go upstairs. I yelled at him and said "STOP CRYING RIGHT NOW AND DONT U DARE GO UP! SIT RIGHT HERE AND STOP CRYING! PACK THE THINGS, BOTH OF U!!"

At this point, Anne started tearing. So I told them again not to cry and pack up.

Dearie then came to their rescue and said to pack up things at other places.

I started to clear off the xmas tree and wipes and vacummed. Was still fuminngggggg angry.

But the scene where Jyn stood up immediately and said "Im sorry Mommy" kept playing in my mind. So yes.. I was regretting it already that I didnt manage to keep my cool and continue biting even when he apologized.

I was still very upset. Not sure of myself or what happened.

After I cleared everything and calmed down, I went up to Anne's room (where both of them were just silently sitting inside) and pulled them to my lap.

Asked them if they know why mommy was so upset. They nodded and said coz they didnt listen to me and continued to run to the corner of the house.

I apologized to them for yelling at them but what happened could be so dangerous. What if it wasnt a tree but was a vase that they broke?

Then I explained to Jyn that it was very good of him for apologizing straight away when he knew he wrong. But i had to still let him know I was upset coz alot of times, by just saying sorry will not help or change what happened. So told him it was correct that he apologized but apology is not everything. Told them we should prevent doing something that needed an apology and not do it, then apologize. Both of them were crying buckets when I explained this. I hugged them.. joked abit, spent some time with them and all was fine thereafter.

I hope it didnt scar them, especially Jyn.

But every now and then.. I am scarred. The look on Jyn's face that bravely stood up and say "I am sorry Mommy" but I continued to scold both of them.. i cant help but feel I failed as a mom at that instance.

Just one of those days where the scene randomly popped up again. Almost 1.5mths has passed.. and the image is still vivid.

I hope its not as vivid in the kids' memory.